Autistic kids' outbursts stir furor and guilt

I don't know, I feel sorry for what these families are going through - but I don't think they should expect society to just blithely ignore a large teenager running up and down the aisles, possibly hitting or bumping people, grabbing things (i.e. jumping into someone's car), etc. If I see some big kid I don't know running at me, I'm not supposed to mind because he's autistic? How do I know he's autistic and not crazy or harmful? Unless you're warned ahead of time that a rambunctious autistic kid is going to be there, how would you know?

Also, the boy in this story doesn't sound like he's able to even understand what church is for, so it's not like he's being kept from seeking God. I don't think he knows who God is. I'm honestly not trying to be mean.

They understand much more then many people give them credit for. Appearances can be very deceiving. My daughter had a lucite angel, that fell off her dresser in June and broke. My son who has almost no verbal language brought it to me, held it out and sang three words "Oh holy night." Then he kept trying to get the wing to go back on. I very much believe these children have a very defined sense of the devine. They are as God made them.
As for the being prepared comment, that is what social graces are all about. I went to a restaurant with my son when he was 4 as I was walking to my table my son paused at another patron's table-I tugged at his hand which was firmly within my grip. They all smiled at him until he reached lightening quick across the table and grabbed a mozzerella stick- I wasn't prepared for him to do that. The mother started lecturing me about my son right there as I profusely apologized. I sat down at my table with every intention of asking the waitress to let me pay for their appetizer or buy a new one, but her words still stung so I asked my friend to watch my son as I fished a 10 dollar bill from my purse. I walked over, slapped it on the table and said "Here I am so sorry for your inconvenience!" I have had people yell profanities at me as I load my son on the bus in the morning and one woman who shouted I should chat with the driver on my own time- There is a clear handicap sticker on the bus and as I am saying my goodbyes to the driver, the assistant is strapping him into his bus seat. What would you suggest I do, make him wear a placard to warn people of his presence? The thing is Julian looks like any other 6 year old and people generally don't understand, even when I explain. Finally, I thought what would I have done if a 4 year old child snatched my mozzerella stick? Had a good laugh and not given it a second thought except as maybe a funny story to tell my friends. I certainly would not have chastised anyone.

My understanding of the "child" being banned from the church was that he wasn't harmless. The original story I read stated he was very large and had actually knocked over some of the older people in the church because of his running. I also remember the original article mentioning something about him urinating in the church. Those aren't harmless things.

My son is autistic and, while I expect reasonable accommodations in certain situations, I don't expect people to overlook everything he does. He is my responsibility and if I don't at least try to teach him how to act in public, he will certainly never learn.

He wasn't "running in church", he was fleeing church -- he knocked into some people on his way out. No running up and down the aisles.

He didn't "urinate in church" in the way you imagine. He didn't display himself and urinate. He had an accident in his pants, which made a mess.

Please read the original article, and other credible articles regarding this situation.

Whether he intentionally pulled down his pants and urinated on furniture or had an accident, the urine was still on the furniture and would still have to be cleaned up. My 23 year old cousin is autistic and not bathroom trained, he wears diapers. Accidents do happen, but if it was happening multiple times (like the church claims), then the parents should have changed their approach. It is not unrealistic to expect his family to make their own accommodations so that these types of accidents do not happen. If they refuse or are unable to do it, why would you blame the church for not wanting urine on their furniture?

Does it change the consequences for the persons being hit and knocked over that it happened while he was fleeing in one direction or whether he was running up and down isles? They were still hurt, they still had to suffer the consequences of the child's mother repeatedly exposing him to situations in which they knew he would react violently. There is still legal liability in accidental situations, because it being an accident does not make it not your fault. If I accidentally swing around and poke someones eye out i would still have to pay their doctor bills whether i meant to do it directly or not. Are you suggesting that the people hurt in his repeated violent outbursts should not expect to be protected from future outbursts? I seriously doubt that the church goers would go to this much trouble to get a restraining order, appear in court, and be smeared all over the news just because he was a bit unruly. Individual vs. personal rights is tricky but I firmly believe that you have a right to defend yourself.

VJ- i work with people with special needs and disabilities and I constantly fight prejudices out there. Having said that, there were some red flags in this case. At home, they have separate rooms. One for Adam and one for the rest of the children. Also at home, sometimes they sit on him and tie him up.

To me this is a sign that the family often resorts to extreme tactics to separate him from others, even his siblings.

I am not close to this case, but to me it looks like church causes some anxiety for Adam. i would question the parents bringing him into such an environment especially when it appears that he does not benefit from it.

An earlier article mentions that he has on occasion jumped into parishoners cars.

So, if a 225 lb. man runs down my 6 year old and his head gets smashed on the floor, or his arm or leg broken, who pays his medical bills? Me?, the church?, the man's family?

If this 225 lb man is so uncomfortable in church that he pees, spits, and runs around, why does his mom force him to go?

I know a family with 2 autistic kids. They are both teenagers now. No one will go visit or go with the family to social events because they hit, spit, and endanger others. I understand that they don't realize the consequences of their actions. But that doesn't mean others should put their lives in danger. The same with this 225 lb. man in church.

There are many alternatives that I am sure he would feel more comfortable with. If that is not acceptable, why not have the family sign an agreement saying they will be responsible for all his actions and the consequences thereof? That may give the family pause.

Do autistic people belong in society? Undoutedly. Should their families who are making the decisions for them be responsible for their actions? Undoutedly.

There is nothing biased or bigoted about this view, it is simply reality. Unfortunately, we have such a PC society, I am sure I will be called all sorts of names for stating the obvious.

If you mean PC as in Pro-Christian I don't think you'll be called names ...I suppose the PC community will just pray for you....and how judicial of you to charge a 13 year old who wets himself as a man. Hope you never become old and/or inconvenient to society - or incontinent. You know it's a church ...wonder what Jesus would do about this?

If a child is a danger to others than he does need to be removed from the situation. If he is just disruptive perhaps only short intervals would be best untill he/she adjusts to the situation. I understand autistic children become more difficult when they are frightened. If the situation is frightening to your child why force him to continue. Perhaps the parents could take him to smaller bible groups. If he is still too dificult then the parents could take turns attending church.

"they should find a sitter or a caregiver (and in some cases a group home) where the child won't be subjected to the public and vice versa. "

Pam you have no clue. What percentage of non-verbal teenage girls get raped my sitter/caregiver/silly uncle? It's estimated that %90 of non-verbal children are repeatedly raped in institionalized setting - boys and girls. The only way to enusre an autistic child's safety is bring them along.

"Most people with autism don't want to be in public places and noise, crowds, etc. exacerbate their already difficult state of mind "

I'm glad you fully understand the state of mind of the non-verbal. Do you like eating out, going on vacations, doing stuff? People with autism like getting out of the house too.

"your autistic kid needs to be "socialized" " Doesn't everybody need to be socialized? I would love a chance to socialize you.

Pam-
I have an 8 year old daughter with autism who is high functioning but has outbursts. We try to limit the number of trips in public and pick the right situations and times to minimize distractions. To speak frankly, you do not have a clue about Autism. In fact, by reading your comments I'd guess you do not even have children. It is easier said than done regarding "find a sitter" if parents want to go to these public places. I can't speak for everyone but it's not always easy to "find a sitter" for a special needs kid. Sure, everyone tells you "let me know how I can help" but that seems to change when you call on those "innocent bystanders" as you call them. Put yourself in the following situation. You're at home with your autistic child (or simply spoiled brat as you put it) by yourself because your son is in the hospital and your spouse is with him. Your son stays in the hospital for 1 week and the groceries start to get low. You try to make arrangements for someone to pick food up for you or stay with your child without any success. You have an obligation to feed your child but you're afraid of her outbursts in the store. You question why parents "put them in social situations" and I answer it with: I REFUSE TO GIVE UP! That's my child and she has shown progress by exposing those situations to her. My son who is 3 did not want to use the potty until 6 months ago but we didn't give up on him. Your statement about autistic children not liking public places is not accurate. Their outbursts normally (at least my daughter) has nothing to do with the "place" but instead the situation. They like structure and sometimes if something is a little unstructured it sets them off.

People gathering for a purpose have a right to expect everyone to comport themselves in a certain manner, whether that purpose is church, eating at a restaurant, seeing a movie, or flying on an airplane. People who cannot comply - intentionally or unintentionally - can be excluded.

I notice that nobody is objecting to the incident mentioned in the article where the autistic person was removed from an airplane during a meltdown.

God bless you Susie. I wish I knew where your church was. I left mine because of the stares and nasty comments. Like my children asked for this to happen to them! I have twins with autism and haven't seen the inside of my church in 7 years. I refuse to go somewhere where my children aren't accepted with open arms.

As long as the person isn't harming others this is how it should be. Unfortunately it isn't. I understand though the 13 year old banned from the church was being more than a little noisy. He was unintentionally putting others in danger. If his parents can't stop this than he needs to be removed from the situation. How would the parents feel if their son ran full tilt into someone and caused a serious problem. My son ran into someone and being only 30 pounds he was the one who fell. We didn't think anything of it at first. Of course he cried, but that was to be expected. That same night we were in the emergency room. He had a concussion as a result of the fall. If this big boy were to run into an elderly person it is very possible the person could be hospitalised or even killed. This would be a horrible tragedy. As for the movies well perhaps the parents could pick a time that is less likely to have a full room. The child would perhaps have less distraction yet would still be around other people doing a "normal" activity all children do. Parents of all children disabled or not need to be aware of their children's limitations and react accordingly. I am fortunate my children have no disabilities and yet I have had to leave certain events due to my young child's poor behavior. This is simply a part of parenthood. All children behave badly on occasion depending on how bad it is we sometimes can ignore it but at other times leaving is the only reasonable option for all concerned. For those who rudely stare just stare back as though you see something really odd about them they will usually become embarrassed and look away.

Churches need to be more inclusive of all their parishioners, elderly, handicapped, children, the mentally impaired. I am happy to say our church is more inclusive than some the respondents. The people who think parents are all powerful over autism might as well think that parents can control thing like Downs syndrome, cancer, or CP. Churches should develop physical areas where elderly can be safe from children of all ages. Churches should have "cry" areas, where kids can have meltdlowns (which, hello, are unpredictable). Should autistic kids be banned because they are getting older?

So far, the complainer's children have been lucky, and not been the victim of vaccine roulette (if complainer has children).

Most elderly face the biggest risk in church in the form of pathogens, passed hand to hand, kiss to face, or simply breathing the same air of six hundred or more people who have been exposed to who knows what. The biggest killer of the elderly is infections.

We have many kids who are autistic (or have Tourette's, ICD, ADD, or other nuerological impairment). It is important that they have access to their church while they are growing up.

As for the upholstery, can we have some areas that do not have it?

Can we removed the slick floor was that threatens the lives of the elderly and disabled who must make their way across it?

It seems churches should be for middle-aged people who prefer pretty over function in the facility, and not for the down-and-out, not for families with disabled children, not for the struggling, etc. Just the comfortable. Or are these people with problems not visible, that maybe are not on display?

Sometimes my kid sings loudly or off key. It is his way of being spiritual. Being chastised shortly after his First Communion pretty much kept us away for over a year. This was a church personnel person.

Sometimes my kid gets upset about liturgy content. Are the "proper" people really reading it? Might it not upset a lot of sensitive people? My kids does not deal with crowds well. Is there a way the kids who need to be less crowded can attend? What about the people who are functionaries in the service who have disabled kids? Are they supposed to dump their kids? My kids looks normal, so people are offended when he does not "act normal."

What misfortune will afflict whom is a question for the fates. It could be that that the smug and sanctimonious may one day be in a troubled spot of their own. Would they want derision and exclusion? or acceptance as part of the human family.

J. Lien

I have tried to post several times. This site does not want to post. I don't know why. e-mail me - . I am for inclusivity, but I see a need for greater accommodation. As for the sanctimonious, they do not when their time of trouble will be. No one does. They would want more undertanding, not condemnation.

J. Lien

The key here is that you say you deal with problems when they arise. That doesn't seem to be the case with the 225 lb. young man spitting, urinating and knocking people down in church.

The article indicated that the mom expected the church to make all the concessions. I had read before where the church tried a number of different things, including having a separate room for the family to watch the service, but the mom refused.

If we all would deal with our children when problems arise, whether disabled or not, then society would be a much better place.

I am a mother of an autistic son, and I want to thank you Jeff K. for your view of autistic children. They are a true gift from god his self and I feel honored that god chose me to be my son's mother. My son has given me so much joy and taught me so much patience, my son has made me a better person. I deal with my son's problems as they arise and when I get dirty looks from people in the store for one of my son's out bursts I tell people to mind there own business my son is not bad he is autistic. I used to put a special shirt on my son when I took him out. It read I have autism what is your excuse. I still try to not put him in situations where he will be really disruptive but, it still happens and I deal with it, it is part of being an autism mom.

your right your child does have every right to be in public. but when ANY ONE becomes a physical danger to others even if they do not have the ability to understand this then they need to be removed from the situation. A 225 lb child knocking people down can cause injuries and yes even death. Think of the frail elderly or perhaps a pregnant woman or maybe a physically disabled person who does not have very good balance. A woman I worked with has a son like that. He is very frail if knocked over he would probably be hospitalised. He has so far lived several years longer than expected.

In no way did this article claim the boy was violent. They said he often ran out of church, sometimes bumping into people. That's not violence.

Autism is in many ways a social disorder. We may expect unruly children to be dismissed from the church pew when acting out but being a child isn't a social disorder. And many autistic people enjoy leaving their house just like anyone else. It's just a different level of stress and anxiety when around other people and settings. Imagine a stressful situation to walk into - a big interview for your dream job - now magnify that by one hundred and relate that to an autistic teenager spending a Sunday morning in Church. To 99% of people it makes no sense why this boy would rush out at the end, or exhibit physical signs of distress such as urination and spitting, but that does not mean this boy doesn't have the same right to a social life as anyone else. You can ostracize him all you want, you can jump out of the way when you see him running, but you should not take away his right to engage his community to the best of his abilities. That's all any of us could do.

Most people in the general population have no idea how essential it is to one's identity to interact in a group because most people have never been forced or are severely limited in their ability to take part in one. Most people have no idea how even a trip to the grocery store can be an illuminating and self-confirming aspect of one's life. People who experience developmental disabilities are acutely aware of their social status and revel in the ability to walk freely amongst others. Even if they walk or behave differently. Please don't allow one's misunderstanding, or grateful inability to understand, to take that away.

Specifically, with this boy, I agree with an earlier post from a parent of someone with autism that after so many visits to the church the boy's persistent behavior indicates discomfort with his surroundings that his parents' should be taking note of. It's possible, everyone's different, that this boy always acts in this manner even at ease, but that is not as often the case.

There is a stigma attached to people who experience developmental disabilities, specifically males, that they are violent and impose a threat to society (i.e. Of Mice and Men). Statistically, as mentioned somewhere above, a gravely high statistic of people who experience developmental disabilities are sexually, emotionally, and are physically abused by non-developmentally disabled people (often caretakers.) Please don't perpetuate this myth by equivocating the boys' eagerness to leave church with violence.

Kear, with all due respect, the original article did point out that he was so much larger than his mother she couldn't control him. She admitted that herself. The original article also mentioned that the church offered multiple accommodations, but the family refused them all. The mother ended up sounding unreasonable in that case.

Please realize, I too have a child who is autistic. It isn't always easy, but it is my job to teach him how to act in public. As a parent, I have the biggest insight about what upsets him. I know what I need to do to keep him from having an outburst and I know which restaurants are too loud for him. Why would I force him to sit through uncomfortable situations when I could provide alternatives for him that he would enjoy and benefit from?

Kear,
Yes, these individuals have a right to a social life. However, their rights end when they infringe upon my rights. That would be the point when they are going to spit on me or throw urine at me. I am a tolerant person. I can understand a person having a meltdown once or twice. However, this appeared to be an ongoing issue with this person. The church tried to make reasonable accomodations for the family. However the family only saw THEIR rights. They would not compromise. Stay home then. The world does not revolve around you and everyone should not be expected to bend to you and your problems.

Kelly-

Toward the end of my post I had hoped to convey that I am speaking rather broadly in regards to the reactions to the article that indicate the boy as a "threat". It does appear, in this case, that this boy is not comfortable at the church and it's not a transitional period of discomfort, but he does not enjoy being there and his actions (urninating, spitting, fleeing) were inappropriately ignored by his parents. The mother cannot "control" her son the same a way a parent of a slight younger autistic parent may be able to "control" their child, but this doesn't make the boy violent. To me, it sounds like his mother is struggling to raise an autistic child who is now the size of a full grown man and is in puberty. This has to be a difficult situation, and I hope that their are organizations in her community that can assist her.

My response was meant to say 1) the boy is not violent, but large and 2) these comments that "why should I be subjected to your autistic child?" " why can't you leave him at home?" do not show a reaction to the particular case but to people who experience developmental disabilities in general. And while this boy doesn't seem to want to be at church or wanted there, that doesn't mean he should be locked at home. Other social endeavors should be welcomed where he seems more comfortable than he does at this particular church.

Point taken. Thank you.

Most autistic children or adults are not comfortable in most places. You can't stop living your life when you have a special needs child nor can you just leave them at home. This young man is probably incapable of caring for himself.

Most children do not like attending church, but we as parents still bring them because it is our job to provide spiritual guidance.

Maybe the church could build a sound proof room in which children and adults with special needs can still attend services. This would be a community helping out one of its members instead of excluding them.

This boy's mother refused another room. Unless ALL including the parents are willing to make compromises than I don't know what else the church could have done.

I agree with much of what you say, but I do add this- You are lucky to have a partner with which to share the responsibility. Many of us are wading in this stream alone. My exhusband left the state when it was confirmed our child was autistic. I do remove my son as quickly as possible from places that make him anxious or fearful, but I can not always anticipate meltdowns beforehand. I am afraid it is trial and error.

it seems like the real issue here is safety for all concerned. my frail 84yr old mother goes to church and i like to feel she is safe from being knocked down by someone who just can't help it. what kind of a plan is it to not have complete control over someone who is challenged and can cause harm to others? the church was 100% right to ban this boy. also, if a person is out in public and yelling and screaming and obviously not enjoying the experience why cause them the misery of being in the circumstance? political correctness is one thing but common sense is another.

The truth is, your 84 year old mother is no safer at church than anywhere else. Anyone could trip and accidently knock her down -- and they just couldn't help it. I suppose SHE should have stayed home, knowing that eventually she'd be hurt due to her being frail.

Obviously, I am just kidding. The truth is that noone is ever completely safe, and that is also common sense. So your mother should go and enjoy church, and try to take precautions such as holding someone's arm, or to be aware of her surroundings so that she doesn't get bumped into.

I'm sure that we all encounter more danger in the routine of our daily life than the people of the church encountered as a result of one large autistic person in Sunday service.

You message fosters positive attitudes to those who read it. The rantings of some in defense of any kind of public behavior for special needs children only serves to enforce the negative feelings many have for these children.

Reread what dongle wrote. :p

17thGENERATION

You are a perfect example of the arrogant, unintelligent type of person that needs to get educated.

it is not that america doesn't care about the mentally ill. our healthcare system is such a mess that no thought or planning is put into providing care for the disabled whether it be of body or mind. you can't have quality care if you are not willing to pay for the services. there doesn't seem to be any money to pay for the quality staff to care for the disabled. of course there is plenty of money for fancy hospital lobbies, flat screen TVs in hospital rooms, beautiful landscaping, high paid administrators etc but no money to pay the people who would care for the infirm. go figure. it really doesn't have to be this way. we allow it.

I agree that mental health and the developmentally delayed are often ignored or mistreated by society. But Someones desire to go to church without being attacked by another person does not mean that they do not care for the developmentally delayed. The church gave the family more than adequate time to prove that they could participate within reasonable expectation. It is not unreasonable to expect your participants to not urinate on your furniture and hit other participants. In this particular case we are not referring to a small child that that is just screaming and touching others food. We are talking about a 225 lb person that is capable of and has injured other participants in the past.

I have grown up with an low functioning autistic cousin, and people can be very harsh, but are you seriously willing to force them to allow a violent uncontrollable person into their church just because he is autistic. If someone gets hurt the consequences to that hurt person is no different whether the perpetrator was autistic or not.

LOL...I know what you mean! I did not know from the article that the boy had assaulted parisoners, but why is it the largest Christian Church in the world does not have more accomodations for developmentally disabled people? I bet they have a wheelchair ramp. The former Pope spoke for the right to life for Terry Shaivo, but the church cannot provide alternate worship services to bring "all" closer to God?

The original article about the Minnesota teen states very clearly the church offered alternatives but the family repeatedly turned them down. That is why they went with the restraining order. The mother wasn't willing to negotiate with them and admitted in the article that she turned down the alternatives. She insisted he sit in the congregation with everyone else and participate like everyone else, even though he clearly lacked the capability to participate like everyone else.

I don't think you read the original article correctly. the church did not offer many alternatives, in fact, they offered next to nothing. the church in fact turned down the offer by a highly trained behavioral consultant with more than 20 years experience to work through this situation. The diocesan office of disability ministry suggested the very same accomodation that I had suggested very early on in the process, however, Fr. Dan was unwilling to even try it. the accomodation? Simply to keep the entry way and steps of the church free of toddlers or others standing around. They should all be seated. I know that Fr. Dan has claimed to have offered many accomodations over a period of time and sought the restraining order as a last resort. In fact, if this doesn't get clarified by him soon, he may be facing a law suit or criminal charges for making slanderous statements to the press.

This attitude is causing people to become more and more intolerant of special needs children. If those involved don't use a more intelligent approach to the situation it is possible that public "backlash? will negatively impact these children.

zbob

i'd vote thirty times for you if i could. great post.

What part of not wanting to be hit and urinated on is not acceptable intolerance? Some activities can not be tolerated, that is the reason we have laws. The problem here is not the autistic child, it is the parent that continually puts them in stressful situations. Obviously the child was in distress, why would you side with the parent that continually forced their child into a distressing situation against their will. I feel more for the autistic child that has to live with those parents.

If a parent were to take a three year old into an expensive glass shop and the child pulled down a rack of fancy dishes that shattered, do you blame the child for not knowing better or the shop owner for being angry over lost profit and a big mess or the parent that was dumb enough to take a toddler into a shop of breakable glass objects. Surely you would not blame the child or the shop owner for the parents mistake.

17thGENERATION

You are a perfect example of the arrogant, unintelligent type of person that needs to get educated.

I bet he cries a lot in his pillow because there are years long waiting lists for respite care and most of us are too poor to make other arrangements. As for family, well they are all sympathetic about our plight....from a distance that is.

You obviously have no idea how difficult it is to find someone to stay with your child when there is a disability involved.

Most people would never consider getting a sitter before running to the store for a package of butter. Get real.

I am also a single mom of an autistic child (he's three). I don't HAVE anyone to leave my son with while I run errands. So yes, for parents like me, the "whole circus" must be packed up. People's lack of empathy is so frustrating!!!! Don't feel sorry for me, but understand that I can't just drop him off with Grandma and do all my running around. Not everyone has that luxury.

Finding childcare for my son at all is a challenge. So, no - I don't try to find child-care when I need to run an errand. I have to plan days ahead to find enough respite to get a haircut.

What I do to accomodate the public is constantly supervise my son, intervene when needed, get my business done as quickly as possible and then scurry back home before anyone get upset.

I find it strange that you ask what I do to accomodate a "public" that includes all citizens, disabled ones included... but there it is.

Several years ago, after almost 20 years of working with children and adults with ASD and having gotten a Masters in Special Education with ASD as my focus, I was the teacher who got attacked. Not the one you speak of but a similar situation. I had worked with several other children/adolesents who were prone to "outbursts" but we knew the triggers and were able to handle the rare situation when the child would "go off". However I had never come across a student as unusual and atypical of a person with ASD as this particular student. Although there was no lawsuit, I was left suffering from medical issues that prevented me from continuing to hold my position in the presence of the offending student, under the direction of my doctor. Without going into too much detail about the struggle I faced in trying to find a resolution, I was forced to resign my position. Throughout the entire brewhaha, I maintained that the child in question demonstrated behavioral patterns that made it unsafe for him to be in a public setting, he had a history of random attacks and seriously injuring staff and students in another classroom setting. The point I am trying to make is that while many people with ASD do have behavioral issues related to the Autism, many also have coexisting conditions that go undiagnosed. In this case, as I later found out, the child was diagnosed with schzophrenia but was left untreated because the parents did not want to medicate their child. Parents and professionals need to understand and address the possibility of coexisting conditions. To not do so is an injustice to the individual with ASD. Dr. Temple Grandin is an Adult with ASD and is very much an advocate and fabulous spokesperson for people, like herself, who have conditions in addition to ASD.

My sympathy is with you. I don't believe the article was balanced enough to present this side of it. The danger is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Just as Autistics tend to overgeneralize when it comes to newly learned behavior, my fear is that this article will only tend to support negative stereotypes about autism. It is always the story such as this that tends to increase fear and reinforce those whose own behavior and bigotry towards those that are different requires validation.

You message fosters positive attitudes to those who read it. The rantings of some in defense of any kind of public behavior for special needs children only serves to enforce the negative feelings many have for these children.

I do want to add that some special needs children will never have the level of behavior that would allow them to be placed in a standard classroom with other students or allow them to be in most public situations without major problems.

Also - a 9 yr old child is less disruptive and dangerous than a 225 pound 23 year old. Also, people are more likely to be more tolerant of the 9 yr old.

My elderly neighbor could no longer care for her 92 year old mother. She was placed in a nursing home. The daughter pays nothing. I take her to the nursing home to see her mother. She is well cared for - well feed - medical care. The nursing home keeps in telephone contact with the daughter.

I can understand your not giving up your kids. However, in answer to the question - What happens to these kids when the parents can no longer care for them? They will go into nursing homes - some will be well cared for - others won't.

And - you should know - there are many nursing homes around this country that have plenty of empty beds. My neighbors mother is in one of these. They want more residents, so they take good care of the ones they have.

I had thought that nursing homes only took the elderly. But - this one takes all ages of disabled patients. Much of their money comes from government agencies. Apparently social security will pay for these patients.

Let's see....place autistic children in nursing homes and let social security pay for it??? Goog Lord...where do some people come up with these "briliant" thoughts?

Did you mis-understand my statement? When parents can no longer care for their adult child - too old - dead - they will need to be taken care of. There where disabled adults and children in that nursing home - not just the elderly. Two men in wheel chairs appeared to be veterans. Many would object to using social security for this purpose. However, a family with a disabled child can get social security for that child. If the parents die - that money then goes to the nursing home - same for the elderly on social security.

Dongle, you assume there will be social security to pay for the nursing home. You assume there will be enough nursing home space for the explosion of baby boomers (and their adult children, who, given life span increases, may be there with them). Finally, you assume all the people who don't want to be around humans with autism won't get court orders to kick them out of the facility if they get too annoying. By the way, my child will likely never contribute to social security and there are now a WHOLE LOT of people like her, and more every day - all over the world. The real problem is the numbers. That's why we're talking about this stuff. Not because a talk show entertainer, paid to sell advertising thinks it's made up. It's a national topic of conversation because there are thousands of kids who can't talk, struggle to learn in the ways most of us do and can't function very well in society. It is a big problem, one that spanking won't solve and empty beds in a nursing home paid for by what's left of social security will not cure.

What many of you don't seem to grasp is how difficult life can be -- not only for the person with autism spectrum disorder, but for the family. As is common for any family with a child of disability, marriages fall apart ... often because of differences in how to raise (or whether to raise) the child ... often because life is just too darn tough and one partner can't, or chooses not to, rise to the challenge. Disabilites of ANY kind are a FAMILY challenge, and affect every member of the family.

Following the divorce, I was not only trying to deal with the usual fallout that takes its toll on children i.e. take care of BOTH of my children financially with much less money, trying to make life similar to how it used to be, making excuses for why Dad 'forgot' visitation weekend yet again, being the best cheerleader for BOTH of their school activities, taking care of their health and illnesses with no backup for the 3rd sick day, etc.; I have to deal with all of the EXTRA school meetings for special education students/parents, make all of the hard medical decisions by myself, and making time for all of those additional therapies for my beautiful son.

Support system? HA! The friends who didn't abandon ship when THEY became uncomfortable because my son was not developing normally heaved a sigh of relief at having another chance to bail. We had no family living close by to ask. Don't think for a minute that my daughter didn't also have to adapt to my son's disabilities. It's a FAMILY thing. That was all before the behavior issues began.

Just TRY to find placement for any person who is developmentally or behaviorally challenged, whether from early onset disorders such as autism, or geriatric mental conditions such as dementia. The lovely nursing home with the empty beds likely does not accept, or is not licensed to accept, such "unsuitable" clients. They must be placed with other clients facing the same challenges, so that they are with their "peer group". Daycare is not an option, because of the size difference -- even though similar in developmental language and learning. Sometimes I think maybe he became physically agressive because it was expected of him.

Oh, and for all of you who believe that the differently-abled should be institutionalized? There are no longer institutions to turn to. They were all decentralized and their occupants were mainstreamed into society last century.

BOTH of my children were taught right from wrong, how to behave in various public situations, and the usual things parents teach their children. The fact that Dustin could not speak and had learning disabilities just meant that it took him longer to learn. I was patient, and he did learn. Then came pre-puberty. With it came rages that made me think he was possibly possessed. He had reactions to things that I could not see, could not hear, and could not predict. He had little, if any, control over this, and although we use the term "behaviors", it was not a discipline issue. He began to strike out violently at anyone nearby -- usually me. He sometimes had recall of the outburst, and was always so gentle and sweet afterward to try and make up for it -- an apology, of sorts, for things he couldn't control. I learned that re-direction or distraction was usually a better option than removal from the situation.

A couple of years later, when he was a just little older, and stronger, we had to move to a different State to get the services that he needed. His older sister married and moved on to build her own life by this time. Here, he learned that if he beat up the caregiver, Mama would come home from work. After the third caregiver locked herself in the bathroom, and went home with a hand full less hair than she arrived with, I made arrangements with my employer to work from home during any time he was out of school -- afternoons during the school year, and all day during the summer. We adapted. Truth is, I couldn't find another caregiver willing to be alone with him. The last one agreed to stay under the new arrangements and circumstances.

I can relate to the people who have to pack up to go to the grocery store. I had no other choice. I worked when he was in school, and my options were to either go hungry or take him with me to the store. There was only one grocery store that suited him, but he could shop there for a long time (thank God) and enjoyed choosing his fruit, veggies, cereal, and ice cream. The other grocers were too big, too small, too brightly lit, too busy, too empty, whatever ... but they set off his sensory overload switch within minutes. White noise set him off, too, so no malls for us.

As for church ... he ALWAYS enjoyed the music, not so much the message portion, although he would USUALLY remain quiet as long as I was feeding him peppermint spiral candies. Thankfully, I attended a smaller, more understanding church than the family who was served the restraining order. Although I removed him from the church (and stopped the peppermints) when he got over the top, we always waited in the parking lot until the service was over so that my daughter could enjoy the rest of the service. I would speak to the minister and members of the congregation afterward, and most of them were very gracious and encouraged me to stay and ride it out. It was simply too embarrassing for me to accept their hospitality.

For anyone still reading this narrative ... What you need to remember is that any one of you could face these same challenges. Not all disabilities are genetic, nor can they be determined before birth. Not all disabilities occur at birth. Although Cerebral Palsy is considered a birth defect, it can happen at any time in life, being caused by a reduced supply of oxygen to the brain. Brain injury (such as in a vehicle accident; sports injury; explosion) frequently is accompanied by severe personality changes and unacceptable behavioral changes, including violence. PTSD is far more common than the population chooses to believe (just consider the violent crime victims, esp. child rape) and can also be accompanied by behaviors that can be set off by small triggers much later in life. We have an entire generation of young people who are returning from the Middle East with challenges we have only begun to face.

YES. I fulfill my responsibility to teach my son in the way suitable to his condition, to ease my son into situations, to try and take him to places where is most comfortable, to try new things in small steps, and even discipline him when appropriate. The American public needs to learn to stop FEARING those who are different, and to be both more accepting and more accommodating of those who are different and face challenges they cannot begin to comprehend.

I hope you've listened -- and heard -- my message. It's not uncommon, just most parents don't have the time to post their experiences.

Thank you Dixie, for illuminating the daily realities of raising a child who experiences developmental disabilities.

Particularly, in regards to this article, I think the part below illuminates some of the "behaviors" (I hate that term, everyone has "behaviors", having a personality is having "behaviors" and it is usually used in a negative sense. So I'll try to put it in quotes each time I use it) this pubescent boy is exhibiting.

Then came pre-puberty. With it came rages that made me think he was possibly possessed. He had reactions to things that I could not see, could not hear, and could not predict. He had little, if any, control over this, and although we use the term "behaviors", it was not a discipline issue. He began to strike out violently at anyone nearby -- usually me. He sometimes had recall of the outburst, and was always so gentle and sweet afterward to try and make up for it -- an apology, of sorts, for things he couldn't control. I learned that re-direction or distraction was usually a better option than removal from the situation.

I remember how difficult pre-puberty and puberty (young adulthood, adulthood :-) were and I can't imagine the emotional and physical toll that must play on someone who develops differently and has different sensory and emotional perceptions than the norm. I, too, would lash out in much the same way.

It sounds like you did a fabulous job raising both of your children and doing so as a single mother. You should feel proud.

Thanks for reading.

It's definitely more difficult for a person with autism to experience the body and hormonal changes during that difficult time for any child. They have so much more sensory input to begin with, adding changes that they can't understand is often beyond their capacity. It's awesome that you can recognize this reality.

It's not easy, and I've often failed to anticipate every overload. Even a holiday dinner can be more input than he can manage ... we just try to accommodate everyone to the best of our ability. Love helps.

you're a single parent? where is the other parent? is there child support? why not? you could use the support to hire a sitter for a few hours. why do you live far from your family when you are in a situation where you need help? your first line of support should be your family and friends "back home".

Your child may not be violent and dangerous, but that can not be said for all people within the autism spectrum. The church has a valid concern with the boy that attacks people. I think it is great that you are able to socialize your son. But wouldn't you agree that treating all autistic people as if they were carbon copies is detrimental because they can be very different. You can not assume that since going to church works for your son that it will work for theirs. It will probably even differ between types of churches. Try stepping into the shoes of the random church participant that is concentrating on their own religious experience when a 225 lb boy hits you in the face as you wait for communion. Do you think it is unreasonable for them to be concerned with the safety of the other members? If the parents are continually unable to keep him from knocking people over, urinating on the furniture, and hitting people, is it not a reasonable expectation for them to remove themselves?

alida2day - It's obvious that you don't understand the situation.

This should never be an issue of "where is the other parent". Her situation is that of a single parent. She could be a widow, or might have been divorced when the happy couple found out that their child had disabilities. Child support is not intended for babysitters so she can go to the store. If she gets any child support, it more than likely goes toward the special needs of her child.

She said that she has a decent job. Why would she leave a good job to relocate near family? Do you think that her family will be any more welcoming than the rest of society?

The caregiver issue probably has less to do with money, and lots more to do with availability of good care. You can't hire just any sitter to take care of these children.

When YOU have a special needs child, be sure to re-read this column.